Baby Blues

This post is going to be a little more personal that my past ones, but its something that I think needs to be talked about more.

I was not in love with my baby when he was born. Or for the 6 weeks after, if we’re being completely honest. I didn’t hate Atticus- I wanted him to live, thrive, and be happy. I truly wanted the best for him. But I didn’t have the bond that I heard so much about.

People told me that when my child was born, I would be so in awe. They said that I would have a love that I had never felt before, and that I would immediately know that I would give my life for his. I felt none of that. It was especially frustrating for me, because I wanted this child so badly. Getting pregnant took effort from us- it wasn’t an accident. We tried for months. Yet here I was, holding this baby that I so desperately wanted, and I felt nothing.

Postpartum Depression is a serious condition that affects roughly 1 in 10 women nationally (source), and yet it isn’t talked about very often. I definitely didn’t want to talk about it- how was I supposed to tell people that I didn’t feel in love with my child? That I was going days without brushing my teeth and that my hair was matted in the back? That I sometimes cried while rocking my baby to sleep? It is extremely tough to admit that you are going through something when it feels like no one will understand.

The first person I really talked to about it was my doctor at my 6 week checkup. I was so relieved when he told me that his wife didn’t bond with their first baby for almost 3 months! He also told me that he didn’t bond with their second child for almost a year! The more people I talked to, the more comfortable and normal I felt. I was not alone! If only I had known that more people went through these emotions, maybe I would’ve talked about it sooner.

The bond did eventually come, and I am finally beginning to understand what everyone was talking about. I love Atticus more than anything- more than I love myself. But I think back to those first few weeks all the time. I wish I had known that I wasn’t alone. I wish I had realized how amazing my support system is. I wish I had just talked about it.

Check with your hospital about what options they provide. Jackson Healthcare for Women has an onsite psychiatrist that you can talk to. You should also check for factors that may increase your risk of PPD. Here are two great sources: NIMH and CDC. 

Most importantly: TALK ABOUT IT! Postpartum depression is common and YOU ARE NOT ALONE. One of the best things you can do for yourself is to surround yourself with a great support system and allow yourself to work through it.